Real Programmers
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Real Programmers

  • Real programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
  • Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for coders who can't do systems programming.
  • Real programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any programs at all.
  • Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
  • Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code.
  • Real programmers don't draw flow charts. Flow charts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cave men drew flow charts--look how much good it did for them!
  • Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who can't run a business or a real program.
  • Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for engineers who wear white socks and get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
  • Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for coders who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
  • Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
  • Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
  • Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.
  • Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK. Real programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
  • Real programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
  • Real programmers never "write" memos on paper. They "send" memos via EMAIL.
  • Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with bean counters, senior planners, and other manual laborers.
  • Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
  • Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
  • Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
  • Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program.
  • Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
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